September 19, 2018

Tomorrow it will be one year without you.  I cannot believe it.  Not that you died, everyone dies.  I cannot believe that God kept you alive for 13 years, suffering, hurting, struggling with disabilities from your rupture, only to take you so quickly 13 years later from cancer.  That just sucks.

I am so glad I was able to see you in August last year.  If not, I would feel even more guilty than I feel now.

I am so sorry I could not make you better.  I was stupid and naïve but I really thought you would get better.  I thought if you exercised and moved and went to therapy, then your brain would eventually remember how to work the left side of your body.  When that did not happen I got really pissed off.  Not just at God and the sickness but at you too.  That’s what I’m sorry about.  I ran away and could not handle seeing you in the condition you were in.  I was a fuckin’ coward.  Michael stayed there and took care of you for 13 years, every day, and I could not spare a weekend to drive 3 hours to visit you.  I should have been there more.  I should have given you more.  I should not have been hurt and pissed and angry.  I’m so sorry.

You see, you were the best.  The best sister, the best friend, the best wife, the best person I knew.  You always gave yourself to everyone at anytime.  I remember when we would go out to dinner in the city and you would stop to have conversations with homeless people.  You adopted Yvette when there was so much going against her.  You knew there would be neurological and psychological issues you would have to deal with, but you adopted her anyway.  You stayed friends with people who treated you like garbage or lied about you (I don’t need to mention their names, you know who they are and so do they) because you said there is something missing in their lives to make them that way so you will just continue to love the.  You were just the BEST.  That was taken away from me when your aneurysm ruptured.  See, even after all you had to go through, I’m being selfish and talking about me and what I lost.  I’m not talking about how you could not walk, take care of your daughter, clean the house, shower on your own, go to the bathroom on your own, cook (your passion).  I’m talking about what I lost, how I lost my sister and best friend and then when things got really bad, I ran away.

Now you are gone and there is nothing I can do to make it up to you.  Please know how much I love you and how sorry I am for not making your last years better.  I was not the best, I did not follow your example, and I will pay for those sins.

Please know how much I love you and wish I could have a do-over.  Know that I am being punished by losing you and Dennis within months.  Now I will have to live the rest of my life with the regret that will stay in my heart.

I suck so much that my Guardian Angel will not even talk to me.

I love you,
Carol

 

February 21, 2019

Hi Betty,

It’s been a while since I have written.  I wanted you to know that I think about you even if I do not write.  I think on some level I am afraid to talk to you or get messages from you.  I emailed Michael a few weeks ago.  I am worried about Yvette and her future.  I got a text from her to move here.  I told her that she could not and that she needed to take care of herself.  I then emailed Michael and said that I was worried because she needs to learn life skills and get a job.  I am afraid that something might happen to him and she would be lost.  He did not seem to care at all, or perhaps he cares so much and I just reminded him that this is one more problem on his plate.  I hope they are okay.  I hope he is taking care of things.  I hope Yvette is taking steps to grow and take care of herself.  Please watch over them.  You can ask their Guardian Angel to help them and give them strength to move forward and be strong and learn to grow.  I am just not strong enough to take care of them, I guess I really don’t want to.  I hate saying that but I just cannot and do not want to do it.  I proved I am useless in taking care of others.  Look at Dennis, Russell and Yvette.  Russell and Yvette I totally messed up any chance of helping them.  I just do not have the skills (thank God I was never a Mother – at least I knew enough not to have children).  Dennis put up with all of my faults and now I am all alone with only me to screw up, which I guess makes sense.  I cannot hurt anyone else or mess up anyone else.  Maybe that’s why I do all the volunteer work, to try to forgive myself, make up for not helping others.  Who knows.  I just wanted to say that with all my faults I saw pure goodness in you.  I love you, I miss you so much, I wish you were here to talk to.  You were always my hero.  The kindest heart and soul of anyone I knew.  I wish you never got sick.  It just is not fair and it was not something that I could fix, I felt so helpless!

Love you,

Carol