September 1, 2018
Hey, I survived the first year. Well that is a reason to celebrate considering all I wanted to do is die.
We had an amazing 30 years. I can only think of the one rough time we had – it only lasted 3 months and it was such a life lesson. It made us so much stronger so I do not regret that. I know from the depths of my soul how much we loved each other. We didn’t just say it, we showed each other every chance we had. The very last thing we said to each other was “I love you”. I am so grateful for that.
We really had a great relationship and I always knew that it would be tough if one of us were not here. I mean, yeah I thought about it – especially with your smoking – I was afraid of you dying and knew I didn’t want that to happen. What I didn’t realize is that it would be such a deep profound pain, every single day, just to get through to the next day. I truly did not expect this. The physical pain. There area times I do not want to move. I know there are times I just wish I were dead. Not like I would kill myself but I really do not want to be here alone. I did it for a year and I do not want to do it anymore. I hate it. Sometimes I sit and wonder where you would be if you were on this journey instead of me. I try to suck it up and go on because I know you would. It is just really painful. Imagine someone coming and cutting off an arm and a leg. Just gone, no replacement, just go hobbling around, scratch your nose with your shoulder, find things to lean on when you get tired of hopping, well that is what it is like. Parts of me are gone. They are parts that I really need and it’s just stupid for people to think I could go on hopping and scratching all by myself.
I can actually “feel” that day. I remember leaving in the early morning for work. I remember stopping for Dunkin Donuts for the office. I remember ordering lunch for everyone to celebrate our office anniversary. I ate salad because we had a date later for dinner and I wanted to save my cheating for dinner. I remember the excitement coming home because of that date. I was almost annoyed because you parked your truck in the middle of the driveway and I could not get my car in. I got out of my car and thought “why did he do that?” I saw the hatch of the truck pulled down and plants on the ground. So I knew you had gone to Lowe’s to get more plants and I figured you just forgot to move your truck over after unloading. I came in the house and went right into the bedroom to take off my jewelry – I’m not real crazy about wearing jewelry. I heard the shower on and figured you were showering for our date. I went inside to watch the news. After about 25 minutes I got up to go into the bathroom, saying out loud “how dirty are you?” Then the next thing I said was No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No…….
There are a few things that I need you to know.
I need you to know that I thought you would be my forever. I’m not sure how I am supposed to move forward knowing that I cannot plan the future because you are not going to be in it.
I need you to know that I just am not ready to not have you in my life. You promised I could die first and I am angry you did not keep your promise.
I need you to know that I hate myself for getting the insurance money and being thankful for it so soon after you died. I know it was smart and logical but I am so angry at me being thankful for it.
I need you to know that I cannot get the picture of you on the shower floor out of my head. All I think about is that you lied there all day dying knowing nobody would be coming to help you. I am so sorry I was not there for you, to be with you, to help you, to hold your hand.
I need you to know that I would give anything to have you back again.
I need you to know that I will be your wife for the rest of my life.
All my love. Always and forever,
September 17, 2018
I actually watched a YouTube video and figured out how to change the cord on the weed wacker and now I am going to do the house. I took down the verticals and replaced them with lovely curtains. It looks so pretty. I hired a handy man for the stuff I just cannot/will not do – he is going to fix the drainage on the lanai and put up outside shades. I was going to try those but I will need to put them screws in cement and I don’t want to mess it up. So Mike will handle those. He is the guy who did all the crown molding for Kristen and Troy. Mike is really nice and meticulous with his work, he reminds me of you in that regard.
September 23, 2018
So yesterday I went to pick up the outside shades with Lily because they would never fit in my car (which also leads me to, I think I need an SUV). Anyway, they bring them out and they are huge. They put these shades in tubes that are almost double the size of the shade. So one was broken at the end and we were able to take the shade out and slide it in her SUV. Now the other was not open. So we are trying to get a key in there to pry open the top, not working. We go inside to ask for a box cutter, they don’t have one. WE’RE IN LOWE’S! HOW DO THEY NOT HAVE A BOX CUTTER? We are in the lobby wrestling and ready to give up, Lily was going to drive home and get Octavio and a box cutter. So I said I would go inside and buy one and I look up and Sheldon (across the street walks in). Thank you God! So he goes in and makes them find a box cutter for him and he is cutting and cutting and finally he gets it cut and we get the shade out of the tube. Sheldon said “If Dennis were here, he would have pulled out a power tool from his truck.”
Lessons Learned – $79 for delivery is not too much money.
February 3, 2019
It has been a tough month. Happy Birthday by the way. Did you see me singing and dancing at the cemetery? It was so great. It was as if I was supposed to meet those ladies there. She played oldies and our wedding song. We sang and it really was a celebration. It actually made me smile. I was shocked to begin with that our wedding song came on the radio on the ride to the cemetery. It so rarely comes on the radio – maybe 10 times that I can count in 30 years – and since you have died, it has come on at least 3 times that I can remember. Thank you for that because I know you are doing it for me.
I’m really sorry about what is going on with K. I know I deserve more than 3 text messages a year and finally had to just say enough, I do not want this relationship. I appreciate you coming through during the session with Jennifer to let me know you were not mad and did not blame me for this. You know how upset I am over that whole thing. I can only hope she gets the help she needs to heal and perhaps learn what a healthy relationship is. It really was the creepiest thing I ever heard in my life and now I know, from what I have learned, that you agree and did not want to do it either. Please understand why I had to talk to others about it. It was not to share the creepiness, but to make sure I was not unreasonable.
I feel I am going to have to make a really important decision soon re where I want to live. Do I want to stay in the house or do I want to move. Please stay with me and help me make a strong decision. I don’t want to leave because you are here with me. I see the orbs on the camera and they comfort me. They are only on the bedroom so I know it is you here with me and watching over me.
I started doing volunteer work. I go 3 mornings a week to a food pantry. It has been the greatest benefit in healing that I could have hoped for. It helped me see what others are going through. Sometimes I see us there together. We would have been great.
You are probably happy to see little Butter always at my side to comfort me, take care of me or annoy me. He has found his voice and can be quite annoying when he wants something LOL As a matter of fact, he wants to get on the keyboard and start typing by laying on the keys so I better save this letter (LOL he just did and I had to delete his “typing”).
I love you forever my husband. I miss you more than you will ever know. I need you more than you will ever realize.
(I was in the store yesterday and picked out the Valentine’s Day card I would have bought you. You would have liked it.)