Know when you are defeated

Last December my step-daughter came to stay with me for a week after I had surgery done.  I thought it was amazing that she and her brother offered to be here.  It really made me feel as if they cared which was important just 6 months after Dennis died.

It was a weird week.  I had pretty serious surgery – and had a terrible cold as soon as I arrived home – so I was basically in bed for the first 3 days.  I hurt and was not in a fun loving mood.  I was not in a bad mood but I just wanted to rest.  She sat on the sofa, or outside in the lanai, for a week.  She did go to Walgreen’s and Publix for me but that was basically it (she also vacuumed once).  While recuperating I cooked dinner, did laundry, fed the cats, etc.  So, there really was no reason for her to be here.  I told her I felt bad that she was wasting a week off sitting here doing nothing.  Anyway, she did go home after a week and left in a good mood.  It was two weeks before Christmas.

About a week later her brother called to check on me.  During the talk he did mention that she said something to him about it being a boring week and she just sat around and we did nothing.  In my head, knowing they had been talking about the week, I realized it was not only me who felt weird that week.  She too felt “off” while she was here.  I still cannot say why but my intuition says that I expected her to do more for me while she was here and she expected me to entertain her and go out with her.  So, both of us were probably a little disappointed.  Oh well, that happens, and is okay.  Nobody was insulted or hurt, like I said, it was just weird.

Now, every year since Dennis and I were married, the kids would spend Christmas Eve with us and then spend Christmas Day with their Mom.  Usually when they had a “break” in their Christmas Day activities they would call us.  This year on Christmas Day Junior called me.  Keri never did.  By they time I was waiting and waiting it was too late to call her and the day was over.  Then no call the next day.  Then New Year’s Eve came, I texted them both to wish them a safe New Year’s Eve.  Junior called me, Keri replied “Happy New Year”.  Then Dennis’ birthday came, the first one since he died.  Junior called, Keri nothing.  I could go on for the rest of the year.

I had since sent email messages and no reply.  In the meantime Junior finally asked her what was going on and she said “She’s the adult, she should be calling me.”  Did I mention she is 45 years old?

For the anniversary of his death and my birthday she FB messaged me at around 11:30 – midnight.  When her birthday came I sent a card and a gift and messaged her.  By now phone calls are out of the question because I finally wrote her a letter after she did not reply to my three email messages.  I told her in a letter that if she wants me in her life to let me know and I will call her.  I said if you don’t that is your decision and I will honor it.  She never told me she wanted me in her life so I guess I got my answer.

I went to a Medium a few months ago (I go when something major is happening) and Dennis came through again and one of the things he said was that he was sorry about how she was acting and he knew she could be very cold at times.  I was relieved because I was worried he would be pissed at me over this whole thing.

Here is the part that I am conflicted about, her grandmother just died.  My initial reaction was to call, and I did call Junior.  I did not call her I only sent her a message which she ignored.  I feel that she said loud and clear that she does not want me in her life so I have no business calling, but it still feels crappy.  I guess I should just move on and accept her wishes.  If I did something to deserve it, then fine but I really didn’t and now I do not know how to act.  Keep messaging, stop messaging, break down and call even though she doesn’t want to hear from me.  She just is not being nice and it sucks.  I miss her.

I talked it out with friends and they all feel I should just let her walk away.  They met her and know she was not someone who was always here to visit, etc. but they mostly feel that I have enough to handle without worrying about the ups and downs of her moods.  I hope her life turns out well.

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